What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 02:20
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im still living with it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I waited trembling.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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She wouldn,t have been !
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I don,t even have a pension.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But it wasn’t much.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She married twice! .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I will be 64.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was seconnd youngest,
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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I said to her
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
What is the most interesting question you can ask to get to know someone?
What did i know ?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One cannot live in the past .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She loved him until the end.
Why did i forgive my father ?
All the time i was locked up.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He knew the spot.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She found it foreign!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My family never makes their pension either.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was very sick at this time too.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We were not on the streets..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Would this be the day?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
(And it was in our own minds.)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
This is soul school!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As i do to all so called friends.?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And i lived it daily.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was in good health!
It was going to be , some day.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Was to survive, this bastard.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was scared of men, in general
So whats the point in blame.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Put me off passion for life!!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
When she asked me how she looked .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was 9 years of age.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I write beautiful poetry .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We all went to grammer schools
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But, we were locked up after school.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I think the readers, may guess!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I have no regrets .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Ive learnt so much.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My life is so biszare .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So, i spoilt her more .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Comes on , in middle age.
Who then, do I blame.?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,